Another's world

Reflection time again.

I remember two years ago I was suffering from a major quarterlife crisis, which I hope will never hit me again. Work totally sucked, well, more like the workplace sucked and the work sucked a little less. It was so bad it came to a point I cried three days in a row, once at my table (and later found out I wasn't the only one who'd ever cried at work!).

What made it worse was other than the fact that my personality couldn't gel with what my job required, I was tormented by the thought of not being tough enough to ride through the hard times. Being a perfectionist for most of my life, something I partly blame the Singapore education system for, I couldn't accept the fact that I was not able to cope with what I was doing. I was torn between quitting my job and just sticking around like the rest of my peers did. Just two years, I thought, just two years and I'd have accummulated enough experience for a glowing testimonial.

But through a miraculous divine intervention, an offer for a transfer came along and my very intimidating boss agreed to it in 10 seconds, although I knew I was penned in her little black book as The Traitor. But, whatever. Thank God for the opening.

In the course of my present work, I've decided to start volunteering to see if I'd be any good at a job in the social service. I really enjoy it and I actually look forward to meeting K and Mr Jai every week. Mr Jai was more of an accident, but a welcome one. They've exposed me to such a different world in Singapore and every time I meet them, I learn something new. Something fresh about humanity, which is sometimes very humbling.

Take Mr Jai for example. I had to change the batteries in his electronic doorbell the other day. He said he'd "no guts" to open the battery cover cos he was afraid the batteries would fall out and he'd not be able to find them. Which means he would never know if anyone was at the door. He said he had tried different ways to make the doorbell work, like putting a piece of paper over the door bell, hanging it on the wall etc...And I was like: Huh? You know, when you hear a sick old man tell you things like this, you just wanna cry. How many times have you taken for granted your very simple ability to change batteries?

Just a few hours back, I attended the wake of K's mother. K is a 16-year-old girl I mentor and her mum died of liver cancer. All I can say is that she has an extremely complex family background, which I can't say here. Tonight, she was as mature as she could be, telling me by her mother's coffin, how she thought she could do a better job at the makeup the embalmer had done. Through all the conversations I've had with her through the last year or so, I'm actually pretty amazed at how strong she is despite the difficult situations she has to go through.

Now, I really wonder if I finally do get a job in the social service sector, would I still be able to interact with these friends of mine in such an intimate manner? Or would I see them each as a case to be dealt with. I'm quite scared. People always say as a social worker you have to be objective with the people you deal with. I don't know...can you really be that objective? How objective is objective? How good is that?

Sighs...I'm thinking too much again I guess. Shall stop. Sometimes too much reflection is not good.