peace

I feel more relaxed today.

Thank you everyone for your smses and comments. Really appreciate it! :)

Ridiculous Life

For the past few days, I have been living a Ridiculous Life. It is part of the job to be on suicide alert, but I've been told that the intensity of the crisis cases I've been handling over the last 2-half years in this job, is much more than that handled by the senior staff.

The other day, my boss actually looked at me, and said: "How come it always happens to you? Have you ever wondered? Do you think God is trying to mould you or something?"

Seriously, I don't know.

But the past few days have been damn shit. 

I want to switch my mobile phone to silent mode so that I can get a peaceful sleep. But I know I can't, because my colleagues are leaving their mobile phones on so as to receive my emergency calls in the weirdest hours of the morning. If they are supporting me in this way, I must also fulfil my professional responsibility.

But, I.AM.SO.TIRED.

People say it's so noble of social workers to give their all. But really, I'm quite up to my limit. I'm doing all I can to contain it. I really hope peace comes soon.

I may be single. But I still need my space and my family.

These few days are a Ridiculous Life.

the rhythm of the heart

These are my boys, my percussion boys. Through them, I've gotten a taste of what it's like to be an artiste manager. Haha. They need a plaster for the blister on their hand (after playing too much drums), I help them get it. They need water, I help them get it. They need someone to look after their PSP, I help them do it. Their favourite phrase? Ms D, blanjah blanjah (ie treat us to food - I don't really know how to spell the word) It's been such a joy to watch them grow over the last year, although they stormed quite a bit for the first 6 months. People dropping out, people fighting (physically), people getting into some trouble. But today, they are quite grown up, though not quite there yet of course. One of them decided not to go home with his siblings because he wanted to stay back to help me carry the drums back that night. So sweet.

I don't think I've ever felt so human in any other job. Connection - that's the oft-used word by the people I work with. I never knew that connection was so important to me, and to the world out there. God created us to be connected. It is inbuilt in us, it is something we can never do without. Yet, because of connection, my own issues are triggered through the resilient but wounded mothers I talk to, the young but broken children I speak with...

Today, I woke up with great pain in my heart. God, I only want you to acknowledge that pain. Like I was telling a friend today, I'm beyond complaining and I have no need to, because I know everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure how I ever reached this stage in my life, but I know I have. It's a bit surreal, but I'm somewhere there. Yet, I hurt.

God, tell me you know.

no space

no space is back.

no space to breathe.

no space to think.

no space, no space.

even my dreams are jumping onto no space,

giving me no space for rest in the morning.

am on leave today and tomorrow.

and i still feel like i have no space.

wah liaos.

sians.