Here's to Health

FY recently found 5 lumps in her breast, and when I read about them on her blog, I was really quite taken aback. Thoughts that ran through my mind: should I call her? But maybe she doesn't want to be disturbed cos she's anxious enough already... so I thought I'd send her an SMS. What a relief it was to know, a few days later (actually just earlier in the day), that they were non-malignant. Yes, she can live and she can watch her son grow. This is my friend from sec sch, who is the same age as me this year - 29.

That night when I had read her blog, I started going through my list of good friends, and wondering what I would do if they died. And I couldn't sleep. I logged online, found Mich (yes dear old Mich whom I can trust to be online at that time of the night), and asked her how many people she knew had women's problems. I mean, a few people I know around my age have fibroids, funny hormonal issues and now, breast lumps. And I told Mich, in jest, I felt left out. She immediately berated me and said I was to celebrate my health. And I really agree.

For 2009, I am going to be healthy. By effort.
- I am going to continue to take good care of my neck and back.
- I am going to eat more fruits and vegetables. This means at least one fruit every morning for breakfast.
- I am going to make sure I swim every Monday. And if I can, briskwalk every Sunday.
- I am NOT going to let work take control of me. It's my life that I'm living.

I really really want to celebrate my health.

physio

I had Session 4 of physiotherapy today. And I am feeling better.
No more shoulder aches, just the left side of my neck that's a bit problematic.
My flexibility in the thighs have improved. Woohoo!!! (Not being able to do sit-and-reach in sec sch and forever is linked to my bad lower back.)
Next two purchases to make my neck and back better?
New mattress - firm one. And, inclined laptop stand.
So far, the first purchase - my wonderful pillow - is working well.
Yay.

I like physiotherapy.

卢广仲 <100种生活>

I was just jio-ing people to go watch 卢广仲 (Lu Guang Zhong) at the Huayi Festival in Feb next year, when I found out that both shows were sold out!!! Oh man. So sad. I won't say I know this quirky, dorky indie Taiwanese singer very well, but I thought he was fab at the guitar and vocals. And a lot of personality too. James Porn would be disappointed at not being to watch him live. Oh well, here's an MTV of his <100种生活>...

I missed Mayday live, at dinner

Last night, SH calls me on my mobile and exclaims: "Ms D, they are REALLY here leh!!!" I was like, huh, what??? Crisis case ah??? My youth, what happened??? And then it dawned on me. Mayday was having dinner at Sin Hoi Sun, the eatery where she was having dinner that night!!! OMG. I. NEARLY. DIED. I mean, I was just joking with her before she left the office that she might so luckily bump into them. But really, I thought they'd have left Singapore after their show on Sat night. To still be in the country on Tuesday night? What are the chances??? Can die. Can die.

So, she started describing what they were doing. Obviously, she couldn't recognise all of them, cos she's not a fan (tsk tsk). But she could count. And there were only 3, with my 老公 (yes I'm known as Mrs Shin in office, ie wife of Ashin the lead singer) absent, and another one absent. Stone was seen playing with his little son (should be abt 3 years old now)...awww so sweet right? I like these father types.

This morning, I came into the office and saw all the post-it notes stuck on my Mayday poster, and I burst out laughing. Yar, so apparently, Mayday missed me at their dinner last night. Awww....so sweet.

But of course SH had to add, a little later, to me: "They all look sooooo ah beng. But then again, you like."

Haha. Yes I do.

peace

I feel more relaxed today.

Thank you everyone for your smses and comments. Really appreciate it! :)

Ridiculous Life

For the past few days, I have been living a Ridiculous Life. It is part of the job to be on suicide alert, but I've been told that the intensity of the crisis cases I've been handling over the last 2-half years in this job, is much more than that handled by the senior staff.

The other day, my boss actually looked at me, and said: "How come it always happens to you? Have you ever wondered? Do you think God is trying to mould you or something?"

Seriously, I don't know.

But the past few days have been damn shit. 

I want to switch my mobile phone to silent mode so that I can get a peaceful sleep. But I know I can't, because my colleagues are leaving their mobile phones on so as to receive my emergency calls in the weirdest hours of the morning. If they are supporting me in this way, I must also fulfil my professional responsibility.

But, I.AM.SO.TIRED.

People say it's so noble of social workers to give their all. But really, I'm quite up to my limit. I'm doing all I can to contain it. I really hope peace comes soon.

I may be single. But I still need my space and my family.

These few days are a Ridiculous Life.

the rhythm of the heart

These are my boys, my percussion boys. Through them, I've gotten a taste of what it's like to be an artiste manager. Haha. They need a plaster for the blister on their hand (after playing too much drums), I help them get it. They need water, I help them get it. They need someone to look after their PSP, I help them do it. Their favourite phrase? Ms D, blanjah blanjah (ie treat us to food - I don't really know how to spell the word) It's been such a joy to watch them grow over the last year, although they stormed quite a bit for the first 6 months. People dropping out, people fighting (physically), people getting into some trouble. But today, they are quite grown up, though not quite there yet of course. One of them decided not to go home with his siblings because he wanted to stay back to help me carry the drums back that night. So sweet.

I don't think I've ever felt so human in any other job. Connection - that's the oft-used word by the people I work with. I never knew that connection was so important to me, and to the world out there. God created us to be connected. It is inbuilt in us, it is something we can never do without. Yet, because of connection, my own issues are triggered through the resilient but wounded mothers I talk to, the young but broken children I speak with...

Today, I woke up with great pain in my heart. God, I only want you to acknowledge that pain. Like I was telling a friend today, I'm beyond complaining and I have no need to, because I know everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure how I ever reached this stage in my life, but I know I have. It's a bit surreal, but I'm somewhere there. Yet, I hurt.

God, tell me you know.

no space

no space is back.

no space to breathe.

no space to think.

no space, no space.

even my dreams are jumping onto no space,

giving me no space for rest in the morning.

am on leave today and tomorrow.

and i still feel like i have no space.

wah liaos.

sians.