Ridiculous Life

For the past few days, I have been living a Ridiculous Life. It is part of the job to be on suicide alert, but I've been told that the intensity of the crisis cases I've been handling over the last 2-half years in this job, is much more than that handled by the senior staff.

The other day, my boss actually looked at me, and said: "How come it always happens to you? Have you ever wondered? Do you think God is trying to mould you or something?"

Seriously, I don't know.

But the past few days have been damn shit. 

I want to switch my mobile phone to silent mode so that I can get a peaceful sleep. But I know I can't, because my colleagues are leaving their mobile phones on so as to receive my emergency calls in the weirdest hours of the morning. If they are supporting me in this way, I must also fulfil my professional responsibility.

But, I.AM.SO.TIRED.

People say it's so noble of social workers to give their all. But really, I'm quite up to my limit. I'm doing all I can to contain it. I really hope peace comes soon.

I may be single. But I still need my space and my family.

These few days are a Ridiculous Life.

the rhythm of the heart

These are my boys, my percussion boys. Through them, I've gotten a taste of what it's like to be an artiste manager. Haha. They need a plaster for the blister on their hand (after playing too much drums), I help them get it. They need water, I help them get it. They need someone to look after their PSP, I help them do it. Their favourite phrase? Ms D, blanjah blanjah (ie treat us to food - I don't really know how to spell the word) It's been such a joy to watch them grow over the last year, although they stormed quite a bit for the first 6 months. People dropping out, people fighting (physically), people getting into some trouble. But today, they are quite grown up, though not quite there yet of course. One of them decided not to go home with his siblings because he wanted to stay back to help me carry the drums back that night. So sweet.

I don't think I've ever felt so human in any other job. Connection - that's the oft-used word by the people I work with. I never knew that connection was so important to me, and to the world out there. God created us to be connected. It is inbuilt in us, it is something we can never do without. Yet, because of connection, my own issues are triggered through the resilient but wounded mothers I talk to, the young but broken children I speak with...

Today, I woke up with great pain in my heart. God, I only want you to acknowledge that pain. Like I was telling a friend today, I'm beyond complaining and I have no need to, because I know everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure how I ever reached this stage in my life, but I know I have. It's a bit surreal, but I'm somewhere there. Yet, I hurt.

God, tell me you know.

no space

no space is back.

no space to breathe.

no space to think.

no space, no space.

even my dreams are jumping onto no space,

giving me no space for rest in the morning.

am on leave today and tomorrow.

and i still feel like i have no space.

wah liaos.

sians.

mirror or window

Back from Malacca, or Meh-LUCK-Kah, as the ferry guide says it. Chanced upon this really chill cafe called Limau Limau there, where four of us shared this really refreshing glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. Strayed into a narrow corridor connected to this cafe and found a secret...a secret mirror, or is it window? You guess. Time to rest.

of random phone calls and stuff

Today, random things happened. But all good and pleasing.

Two youths (both 16-year-old girls) called me out of the blue, and wanted to chat. One had a problem with her family, and the other, just wanted to ask how I was. Wow.

At my centre, one 14-year-old boy kept on announcing that he didn't want a birthday present even though his birthday was tomorrow. He, like, announced it a million times. Fellow social worker and I deliberated for a while if we should give him a present today or the day after his birthday (yes, we deliberate over such things cos it's very delicate business we do), and we decided he would feel more loved receiving it today.

She scrounged for a pressie while I did up an impromptu card. He loves to be called Bob, so I found a Bob Marley picture and pasted it on the front. And then I pasted his picture on the back. And he was so so so so so so happy, he shook my hand to thank me and fellow social worker.

And that really made my day. 

I love these kids.

men

I'm starting my swimming regimen today (well, I hope it does become a regimen), because I'm trying to find a solution to the worsening aches around my shoulders and lower back. Swimming is supposed to be good for the back, so I'm starting again after a one-year hiatus.

As I left the office, my colleague shouted: "I hope you find a hunk at the pool!"

Another said: "Why don't you go to the Sengkang pool? XXX (referring to my Sec 2 boy) always goes there!"

Like hello? I'm not gonna face my student in a semi state of undress. It's just weird.

Ok wait, what's my point? My post today is about men, and it takes inspiration from my colleague's hope that I find a hunk at the pool. Seriously? That's like far from my mind. My prevailing mindset about men is that they are, in essence, assholes. Even the most godly ones, in essence, may go wayward. It doesn't help, of course, that more and more men I see (Christians even), are just so easily distracted and unreliable.

Yet, even as I say that, I know that it would be nice to have a partner. I would have a love-hate relationship with men, that's how I would put it. And I would have a love relationship with God my Father, who will forever remain a constant in my life.

That's why, in the meantime, I would still entertain random phonecalls from Kartaly. Like the most recent one last month.

Kartaly (very very excitedly): Hey! W and I are thinking of holding a party for our single friends! If you come, you will have to bring a single friend of the opposite sex.

Me (quietly): errrrrr.....

Kartaly: C'mon!!! It'll be fun!!! See, there is quality control because we are bringing people we know!!! SO WILL YOU COME OR NOT??? We've got so many eligible single friends, so we thought we would to do something about it!!! You're not the only one we're gonna ask you know...

After talking a bit, she decides she would refine her plan and get back to me. And she does. And really, Kartaly, you are the only one who takes this intro-people business seriously. You say, you intro, and you follow up. You're the best. Thank you, girl. Hahahaha.

ching cheong hen party

Look at the belle of the ching cheong hen party. Sultry, sexy and a little high (over just one beer). But she sure rocked the night with her crazy dancing to Grasshoppers' 愛不怕, the one that goes wa sa pa pi li pa la ai bu pa!!! Next stop, JB. For her wedding. Too bad I've been barred from posting vids. :)

Endorphine - Thai rock band



More rocking Thai music to intro :)
As usual, I was doing my rounds on Facebook, and saw some photos put up by local muso Eric Ng. Noticed him raving over this Thai rock band called Endorphine, and decided to check out the youtube link. Wah, I like man. The music is pop-rock, musicianship very good very tight, and the lead singer is this rock chick called Da. I wish I was there at the concert!!! Very happening!!!

Endorphine is...
Thanida Thamwimon (Da): lead vocals
Anucha Boethongkhamkul (Kia): guitar
Thanat Amornmanus (Bird): bass guitar
Thapaphol Amornmanus (Bomb): percussion

If anyone knows of Endorphine performing elsewhere in Singapore, do let me know.