Frankly, embracing the season of singlehood has been particularly difficult for me. Off and on, I question my worth, my attractiveness, and gosh, my sex appeal. I'm happy I've shed the kilos, I'm happy people say I dress better, but I wish someone would look me in the eyes and tell me he would love me till death do us part.
It's especially disturbing for people to ask me how old I am this year. I often find myself saying, in an irritated tone, how I'm going to be 30 next year and "my biological clock is ticking away". And the thing is, I mean every word I say. It sounds really pathetic to actually say things like that to others, including those not close to me. But the words, well, take a will of their own.
I can't hide that knot in my heart that tightens when I hear of friends getting married. I'm happy for you friend, but I also fight the reminder of the injustice done to me. I have no memory of him. I just mourn the loss of a happy future that I envisioned.
And then, I get a good laugh and thrill when sweet girlfriends and I discuss ways to create opportunities for myself. Recently, I tried. But I think God played a joke on me. I ended up feeling a bit loserly, yet very amused. Girlfriends insisted I try a second time, cos the first time totally did not count, they said. Yeah, maybe I should, then again, maybe I should just leave it. What do you think?
Crazy colleagues say they don't think it's cos nobody wants me, but just that I don't want the one who tried to ask me out. There's some truth in it, but if you can't even imagine him to be your friend, how can you make him your soulmate? Nevertheless, it's still nice to know that I can laugh about it, with their help.
So yeah. I think if the second time doesn't work out, I'll know that God is listening to my prayer - at least He said no, with some humour.
:)
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8 comments:
hi gal, you're a gem and don't let anybody ever tell you otherwise! marriage is a beautiful thing but only if it's to the right person, so try (i know it's tough!!) to be patient! i know how that helpless feeling is and how everybody seems to moving on and you can't do anything...it's a shitty feeling. anyway you always have a listening ear here. and we NEED TO MEET UP! not just for weddings! i thought u were going to pop down for lunch with me and eug?? :)
~sooty
hello dearie, thanks for your comment. haha. love you. hiyah, i have my emo moments lah...and i like writing about them cos they help me feel betta! anyways, yeah me bad, will email you now to fix a time a day to meet. hee.
Hey, you should pray and tell God what type of guy you want. God is specific in answering prayers. Might not answer every single one, but at least most. :)
Julia
julia: well, i do pray! haha.
hey like what sooty says.. be patient! Good things come to those who wait :) Take things naturally as they come.. and it WILL come! :) anyway, a gal like you deserves a tip top guy, so cannot anyhow whack whoever's in your way ok? I don't want you marrying alphonsus or something haha
I found this to be a good read - http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2008/02/08/marry_him/index.html
Especially the last bit - "And telling me not to demand passion or intense connection? Sorry. I won't settle for that."
Remember that, and know you aren't alone. Hope you feel better soon. =)
thanks monoceros. i cldn't access the article, so asked dsd to email me :)
fy, we don't really want ANYBODY marrying alphonsus do we? but he IS married!!! haha... that proves that there IS a soul mate for every person out there... or at least for alphonsus' sake we hope that's the case hahahahaha.
anyway, yeah dawn, you definitely deserve a no. 1 guy who is decent, kind, funny, witty, who will treat you with the respect that you deserve and love you with all his heart!! don't let anybody make you feel otherwise!
and don't let any aunties or uncles or kaypoh people pressurise you into thinking that time is running out, hence you gotta just settle for something less. don't ever settle! cuz marriage is for a lifetime.
but thank God that Jesus is for eternity :)
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