Feb 14: What is love?

Love is...
When two 15-year-old boys popped by my office yesterday, and I happened to be around tho' it was going home time. And they said, we were nearby and we thought about you, and came to see you. One had bought chocs for a girl he liked, and both asked, you sure you don't have boyfriend, sure you have lah, must invite us to your wedding you know...Tho' that's like the umpteenth time a teenage boy has asked if I have a "stead", I actually feel ok about it tho' it's V-day today.

Love is...
When a 16-old boy saw me in school today and said, hey you're here again, and passed me a V-day doughnut that he just bought.

Love is...
When a 15-year-old boy asked me why I didn't buy him a V-day present, and then said he would give me one. He said, I'll go find something nice in my house to give you, maybe one of the Eeyores that I don't want anymore, aiya no lah joking, I can't bear to give you my Eeyores, but I'll find something! And he looked so very serious, and said he was so very serious, that I actually felt like it was an honour for me to get a secondhand item!

Love is...
When two colleagues asked me if I have a date today, and if I missed having a date, and I actually felt really ok!

:)

chill+peaceout+happy+euphoric

many things happened today...

~ mistersoh msned to invite me to his wedding. i feel really happy for him, and i'm actually looking forward to his wedding altho we haven't met in AGES. i think he is a good man :) ethan mummy asks if he's doing his wedding photography himself...eh...i think not? mel, if you're reading this, i don't think you guys are so ON rite? also, i wonder how photogs behave at weddings of friends...do they like bring their mega cams and start shooting non-stop from all angles? hahaha.

~ 紙飛机，帶我回到地球表面吧。。。yes, i'm attempting to write a chinese song, with inspiration from certain somebodies and band. got the tune for the chorus, gotta think of the rest. i hope i can do it. i gotta chill+peaceout. zen, girl.

~ i thank God for people who keep me sane when frequencies clash (you know who you are). i was snubbed. hurt. sob.

~ olduvai is getting married, to the guy i've never seen. :) theirs is an extraodinary love story, like i was jus telling her minutes ago. so happy for her. dsd is going to get a fat ang pow loh! hahaha.

~ i bot 3 pairs of flats from Far East Plaza today. woohoo! total damage only about $70. hope the shoes last at least one year! hahaha.

Music: Passion

L to R: Wu Jiahui (best known as singer of 一人一半), Eric Ng (producer/musician/songwriter), me (fan), Ngak (musician/songwriter).

I was at their Huayi gig last night and it was such a great joy listening to such passionate and good musicians. I really wished I was 19 all over again, the year that I discovered I was not bad at singing folk, that I could press my guitar strings properly, that I liked translating my feelings into songs (I even visited a music publisher to sell off my raw raw songs), that perhaps, just perhaps, I could sing and play somewhere.

Alas, like I've said so many times, I've no passion. Only like. So I never pressed on, never persevered, never pushed myself hard enough. Maybe if I didn't have to play keyboards for church, I would have done something about it. So every time I hear such good musicians living their dreams, I feel their euphoria by living vicariously through them.

I must really try harder. One more song to practise today!

hitting the keys

feels good playing the piano today and singing along

feels good tidying up my iPod playlist

feels good listening to a whole bunch of new music

reunite

I had a reunion dinner after all.

:)

Embracing the season

Frankly, embracing the season of singlehood has been particularly difficult for me. Off and on, I question my worth, my attractiveness, and gosh, my sex appeal. I'm happy I've shed the kilos, I'm happy people say I dress better, but I wish someone would look me in the eyes and tell me he would love me till death do us part.

It's especially disturbing for people to ask me how old I am this year. I often find myself saying, in an irritated tone, how I'm going to be 30 next year and "my biological clock is ticking away". And the thing is, I mean every word I say. It sounds really pathetic to actually say things like that to others, including those not close to me. But the words, well, take a will of their own.

I can't hide that knot in my heart that tightens when I hear of friends getting married. I'm happy for you friend, but I also fight the reminder of the injustice done to me. I have no memory of him. I just mourn the loss of a happy future that I envisioned.

And then, I get a good laugh and thrill when sweet girlfriends and I discuss ways to create opportunities for myself. Recently, I tried. But I think God played a joke on me. I ended up feeling a bit loserly, yet very amused. Girlfriends insisted I try a second time, cos the first time totally did not count, they said. Yeah, maybe I should, then again, maybe I should just leave it. What do you think?

Crazy colleagues say they don't think it's cos nobody wants me, but just that I don't want the one who tried to ask me out. There's some truth in it, but if you can't even imagine him to be your friend, how can you make him your soulmate? Nevertheless, it's still nice to know that I can laugh about it, with their help.

So yeah. I think if the second time doesn't work out, I'll know that God is listening to my prayer - at least He said no, with some humour.

:)

Coffee Prince. So Sweeeeet!!!

I'm a hopeless romantic. And I absolutely loved this Korean drama "Coffee Prince". Cute tomboyish girl pretends to be a guy in order to work as a barrista in a cafe, owned by suave (but super sweet) guy who eventually falls for her. I don't know the whole story, cos I only watched from the last 8 episodes or so onwards. But it doesn't matter, cos it only mattered that suave guy finally found out tomboy is female, and they spend such sweet, normal couple moments together!!!

*heart flutters*

I mean, like, they're really sweet. From the way she falls asleep talking to him over the phone, to him waking up to her snoring over the phone (cos they never hung up), to him hanging up finally in the morning and calling her again to sing a song to her...I mean, like, it's such a normal, couple thing to do! And the way they play with each other's hands when he's driving, it's just so sweet normal. Someone directing or producing the show must be a female who absolutely knows that normal sweet stuff make fantastic tv for romantics like me! Last episode tomorrow!

I wish

I wish...
+++

I wish I didn't have to do so much paperwork. It's just so darn disgusting.
===

I wish I could be a little more comfortable with emo kids. Especially those who tell you they're feeling emo at that very moment. And they need to listen to emo songs there and then. Or rather, they don't ask you, they just listen.
~~~

I wish things could be all right, and never not all right.
God, are you not...did you not...will you not? (2 Chronicles 20)
Yes God, of course God, you will make things all right.
I don't want to feel helpless anymore.
###

I was happy today, when I said "nice try" and he smiled.
It's nice when they smile.
I feel. Good.