The first 4/6 baby

The 4/6 girls saw one another through rgs, rj, courtship and marriage. And now Karen has popped. Baby Chloe was born on Friday. Maybe we should come up with a class of 4/6 family tree! So proud of Karen.

Release, relief

Title: eye peering out of blue egg shell


Title: jack in a box

Over the three-day experiential and creative arts therapy course, we had produced art pieces of seemingly ordinary experiences. The topmost one (Title: eye peering out of blue egg shell) was a response to having to move to a piece of music played. The one below it (Title: jack in a box) was a response to a 15-minute wordless stroll with a fellow participant at Fort Canning Park.

At the end of the three days, we were told to look over our artwork to find common themes. I remembered what F said about my drawings being about "boxes", and how she would not have thought about drawing "boxes", and I went hmm... Interestingly, yes.

And after much thought, one theme emerged and fit for me: When I release my grief and fear, then I experience relief and comfort.

I've been such a closed up person all my life, afraid to let others know how I really feel. If I could describe myself, I would be a bottle with a tight cap. It was the need to be strong for myself, and for the people I love, that I refused to be opened. I was afraid to imagine what it would be like to be vulnerable, and how that would affect those close to my heart. So I remained closed.

But. Now, I'm glad. Glad that I'm releasing. Because I'm finding relief. And the best part is, I find that I'm not hurting myself or those I love. And I'm healing. Great stuff.

Title: boy and girl

Title: boy and girl

raw

Just came home from worship practice.
I'm a bundle of raw nerves now.
Touch me and I might crackle.

Crossroads

I'm currently attending a course on experiential and creative arts therapy. Today, a very brave participant volunteered to be the client, so that the trainer could conduct a counselling session to show us how a session could be conducted using creative arts therapy. We, as the viewers, were asked to do different tasks as we watched the session going on. I was one of those who was supposed to draw whatever key images came to our minds as we observed the client.

I found myself connecting with her in a way I could not verbalise, and it was a really powerful experience for me. As I watched her draw her beginning experiences of her current relationship, and tell stories from her drawing, I resonated with her at certain points.

And, I found myself picking up my crayons and start sketching the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. With a vague grey crayon, I drew the bridge and the full moon. With a dark blue crayon, I sketched the ripples of the water. And on the embankment, I filled in two almost invisible stick figures - one boy, one girl - holding hands. And, I held my heart tight.

When the counselling session ended and the viewers were asked to volunteer the responses they would like to share with the client, a fellow participant recited a poem she'd written for the client. And, one word, "crossroads", hit me. Pretty hard.

As I walked home later, I couldn't stop my tears. It has been one major crossroad for me this year. It was either one or the other, and my heart broke when I had to choose. Now, as I picture myself at the crossroad, I know I only had one way to walk. And I took that step. But I had to leave a part of me behind. If you ask me how big that part is, I really don't know. Nevertheless, a part is still a part. And it hurts.

As an important person told me, rest in the Lord like how you need a rest at night. I am resting because it is not hard. But when the tears flow (and they haven't flowed much at all), my heart clenches up again. I want to rest, till my heart releases that grip and can only ache that little bit.

我有我的路。。。

而我很開心能和五月天一起走這條路。一起歡呼，一起哭。It's really ironic how the happiest memories in your life can turn into some of the saddest. And Mayday has gone through some of the happiest and saddest with me. Last night's concert was one of their best, and I loved that they paid tribute, through their songs, to the people who've inspired them - Che Guevara, John Lennon... And I believe the legendary Hong Kong rock band Beyond (Mayday did a rendition of Paradise). Rock solid, all the way to the end.

Dear Mayday, may you continue to celebrate life and music like you always have been. Here's to rocking with you when you're 60, and when I'm 60 too. With crutches or not. Luv you guys. Continue to inspire me :)

They brighten up my day :)

Yesterday, one boy told me: "Miss XXX, I'm very honest with you one."
And he made my day :)

Today, on my way to watch Shrek 3, I bumped into another boy who gave me this huge smile and a happy "HEY MISS XXX!! I just now got soccer match lah! Where you going?"
And he made my day :)

The shyest of them all

During the last groupwork session (last year) with my youths, we were all supposed to write an affirmation for one another. And I remember one girl saying that although I was the "shyest" of all the social workers present, I was (and then she said some good things about me).

And, I went home thinking about being shy. I know what she meant wasn't exactly "shy shy", but more of someone who would rather let someone else stand and lead. And that's what I am - a circumstantial leader. Give me a curtain and I'll gladly hide behind it. Ask me to stand in front of it and I'll hem and haw, but I'll eventually do it - behind a confident facade.

And this time, I have to get out of my comfort zone again, and conduct a support group session for parents of youths who have committed petty crimes. Having to facilitate a session for parents all older than me isn't exactly my cup of tea. It can be pretty intimidating when you have very vocal parents. And I have to always tell myself to remember the role I'm playing - that of a facilitator, NOT teacher. So there's never a need to be scared that you can't answer anything, because ultimately, you facilitate the sharing of the parents.

But what I find most helpful for me, is really a prayer before each session. I should constantly ask God to make me an instrument of blessing for the parents. And I should leave it as that. If I am an instrument that He uses, then He will do all the work for me. May I continue to remember that. Amen.